


found wanting

by a_good_soldier



Series: Shadowhunters episode codas [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Episode: s03e05 Stronger Than Heaven, Episode: s03e06 A Window Into An Empty Room, Immortality, M/M, Relationship Negotiation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-25
Updated: 2018-04-25
Packaged: 2019-04-27 21:40:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14434656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_good_soldier/pseuds/a_good_soldier
Summary: Alec and Magnus talk about their relationship.





	found wanting

**Author's Note:**

> im so emotional about the boys! let them love each other!! aaaaaaa

Alec’s not elegant. He’s not graceful, he’s not beautiful. He’s not the kind of man you feel proud to be able to show off on your arm. What Alec _is_ is useful, loyal, solid. He’s a man you can count on, a man who’ll get the job done even if it’s not very pretty by the end of it.

All of which is to say that when Magnus suggests he sleep with other people, it gets ugly real fast.

“I’ve never been unfaithful to you,” Alec says stiffly, posture ramrod straight in spite of the soft couch he’s sitting on. He thinks that’s enough, but Magnus clearly begs to differ.

“I’m not saying you have been, darling,” he says from his drink cart, smoothly, beautifully, words getting through the room without disturbing the tension in it at all. Maybe Alec wishes he would. Maybe Alec wishes Magnus could love him enough to break the status quo.

He doesn’t, though. Alec has to get used to that. “So,” Alec says when Magnus doesn’t continue, “what’s the problem, then?”

“There’s no _problem_ , dearest,” Magnus says, like it should be obvious, like when Magnus clenches his jaw ever so slightly and says, _I know we already talked about it, but I just wanted to say, it would be fine if, you know, you wanted to see other people_ , Alec doesn’t need to worry about anything. “I’m just saying, I wouldn’t mind—”

“I already know that.” Alec stands up. “I already know that, and I think it’s insulting that you think I just need to fuck other people to get over the fact that you’re immortal, and that if I don’t get killed in the field I’ll just end up a senile old man you’ll be chained to until I finally die and put us both out of our misery—”

“That’s not what I said, and that’s not what’s going to happen.” Magnus stands up too and tries to reach out for him, and Alec shrugs him off, turns around. “Alexander. All I meant is that we’re— we— this might be, it could be overwhelming to you. And if you want to see what it’s like with other people, to, to figure out if this is really what you want—”

“If you’re trying to tell me our relationship isn’t worth the effort you can just say that,” Alec spits out.

He hears Magnus gasp, a little, and he’s perversely satisfied with making beautiful perfect Magnus drop the mask, even if it’s only for a second. He turns around, and there’s Magnus, makeup in place and glamor on his eyes. Sometimes he thinks everything would be fine if Magnus didn’t feel the need to hide himself from Alec.

“That’s not what I meant,” Magnus says quietly.

“It’s what you said.” Alec stays facing Magnus. He’s always faced his problems head on, even when he’s got no idea how to solve them. “You said, Alec, you’ll get over the immortality thing if you just fuck some other people. What the fuck am I supposed to think that means?”

“You’re supposed to think that I care about you.” Magnus steps forward, and Alec forcibly stops himself from moving back. “You’re supposed to think that I want you to be happy, that I want you to feel safe with me, that I want you to have what you truly want, not what you— not what you jumped into because it was the only option at the time. Not something that’s so overwhelming you’re not even happy in it.”

“You’re talking about our relationship.” Alec swallows. “You’re talking about our relationship like something— like it’s something I settled for because I was desperate.”

“Alexander…” But Magnus doesn’t say anything after that, and maybe Magnus is right, maybe the shine has worn off, because Alec doesn’t melt into nothing just from hearing Magnus’s voice curl around his full name.

“You’re talking about yourself like I settled for you, as though you’re not the most brilliant person in any room you walk into. You’re talking about your immortality like it’s nothing. You’re talking about our relationship like it’s nothing, you’re talking about our future like it’s nothing.” Alec steps closer, and he can see something like the twitch of a muscle at the corner of Magnus’s mouth. Maybe Magnus does have his weaknesses. Maybe Alec — maybe since they got back together, Alec just hasn’t been looking close enough. “I want you. I _love_ you. I want to be with you. That means something to me.”

“It means something to me too.” Alec hears a shake in Magnus’s voice, and tears are gathering in his eyes. This isn’t what Alec wanted. Alec didn’t want Magnus to _hurt_. “It—  _you_ mean everything to me.”

“So why are you pretending that none of this matters?” Alec’s had it with Magnus treating him like a child who doesn’t know any better. “I know this matters. I know your immortality matters. I want to spend every second of my life with you, and I know that’s going to hurt when I have gray hair and wrinkles and you look as gorgeous as you always have, and it’s going to hurt when I’m dying and you’re as alive as you’ve always been, and it’s going to hurt in a hundred years when you’ve fallen in love with someone else and I’m just a kitchen utensil in your damn box!”

Alec tries to keep his voice from shaking on that last one, but he knows he failed, because Magnus frowns and looks away. Alec— Alec never learned how to desire properly, not really, not since he internalized the fact that he could never have anything he dreamed of, but now that he can, he wants covetously, exclusively. He wants Magnus to belong to him forever, and he knows how absurd that is. He knows that’s one thing he’s going to have to get over on his own.

“You’ll be more than that. You already are more than that.” Magnus rests his hand on Alec’s bicep, and Alec swallows. Up close, Magnus’s lip is trembling. He clears his throat. He says, “Alexander, I’m— I am desperately in love with you. And that—” Magnus’s other hand rises up to Alec’s face, and Alec leans into the warmth of Magnus’s palm on his cheek. His voice drops to a whisper. “That scares me.”

Oh. _Oh_.

Alec closes his eyes. Suddenly everything makes sense. “You could’ve just said that,” he says, but he knows how impossible it is to admit weakness sometimes. He’d hoped that Magnus would feel safe enough with him to do it, but maybe that’s something they need to work towards together. “I— I understand.”

“Do you?” Magnus’s voice shakes, and his hand trembles on Alec’s cheek. Alec snakes his arm around Magnus’s torso, and draws him in close. “Do you know how it feels,” Magnus says into his chest, “to know that you’re— that I only have this short time, this lifetime with you, and that I keep screwing it up?” He hears a hitch in Magnus’s breath. “Do you know how much it scares me to think that I’m holding you back? To think that you might realize how selfish I am, keeping you here with me?”

“You’re not keeping me anywhere,” Alec grits out through his own choked up throat. “I’m choosing to be here. You know that, right?”

“I need you so much,” Magnus says, as though Alec hasn’t said anything at all. “I think it would kill me to lose you.”

“Please don’t say that,” Alec whispers into Magnus’s hair. “Please.”

“Alexander—” Magnus draws back. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean— of course you’re free to leave, I only meant that— that I—”

“I know what you meant,” Alec says. “I don’t— how many times do I have to tell you that I don’t _want_ to leave? That you’re it for me?”

“Then why are we fighting?” Magnus pulls away to reach for his drink. He downs it in one gulp. “Why is this a big deal?”

“Because _you’re_ a big deal.” Alec pulls the glass out of Magnus’s hand to place it on a table. “You keep— you keep telling me what I want. What do _you_ want? Do you want to pretend this isn’t happening? That I’ll never get old?” Alec swallows. He looks down at Magnus’s hand in his. “Because I will. If that’s what’ll make you happy, I’ll never— until it’s staring us in the face, I can forget about this. I’ll get over it.”

Magnus hesitates, and that’s all Alec needs to know what to do. “Okay.” He kisses Magnus, deeply, and feels relief at the way Magnus leans into it. They still have this. “Okay.”

“It’s not okay.” Magnus sighs. “I don’t— I hate to make you feel like you can’t talk about this. Like we can’t talk about this.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Alec says, leaning into it. Magnus is right. This is easier. They’ll talk about moving in, growing old, having a family, later. All of those are future conversations, and right now, Alec hasn’t earned their future yet. “For now, it doesn’t matter.”

“Alexan—” Alec cuts him off with a kiss, hands on Magnus’s back. He’s beautiful.

“You’re beautiful,” Alec says. “Let me— let me show you how beautiful you are to me.”

Magnus closes his eyes. “As much as I want that — and believe me, angel, I really, really do — I think we should still talk about this.”

“About what?” Alec’s hands tighten on Magnus’s body. This was supposed to be the right answer. Alec was supposed to have finally picked the right thing to do. “It doesn’t matter. It’s in the future. Let’s just— let’s appreciate what we have right now.”

“That’s what _I_ want to do. And I’m starting to realize that actually, I don’t want to do that, not if it means you’re worrying about this silently while pretending nothing’s wrong.” Magnus sighs. “I don’t need a mask, Alexander.”

“We’re not going to get anywhere.” Alec can’t see the answer, and Magnus— Magnus was supposed to know. He’s been through this a thousand times. This conversation should be deja vu from start to finish for him. “I don’t have an answer you’ll like, and you don’t have an answer I’ll like. So let’s just… pretend it’s not happening.”

“Until what? At what point will we decide it’s not worth the charade?”

Alec thinks about it, and he realizes what the only possible answer is. “When you decide you want to talk about it,” Alec says. Suddenly, the tension, the pressure is gone. Magnus has the reins. “When you decide it’s worth it to figure it out. It’s the only thing that makes sense.”

“Why?” Magnus frowns and his eyebrows draw in close. “Why is it up to me?”

“Because you’re the one who’s going to have to keep going when I’m dead.” Alec nods to himself. “Look, you’ve probably already had this conversation with all your other lovers. I’m not— I don’t want you to tell me what I want, or what I should do. But this makes sense to me.”

“You’re the first one I’ve ever had this talk with.” Magnus kisses him. “Why do you think I have no idea what I’m doing?”

Now it’s Alec’s turn to frown. “That doesn’t make any sense,” he says. “Why the hell— you’re eight hundred years old. Why the hell would it be— how could anything be new to you?”

“You’re new to me. I told you that.” Magnus frowns. “What did you think that meant?”

“I—” Alec pauses. He’s not… he’s not sure. He’s been so swept up in his own hoarding jealousy, his own bitter recognition that his hurting Magnus is inevitable, that he hadn’t stopped to think about what he might bring to this relationship. “I guess I just thought… I mean, every person is different.”

“Yes, and you’re… you’re more different. You’re _more_ , period.”

“George,” Alec blurts out, and winces. The name doesn’t even spark recognition for a second, until Magnus’s eyes dart away. Shit. “I— I’m sorry, I meant—” Alec sighs. “Look, you’ve loved other people. I’m getting over that. It’s my own stupid hangup. You don’t have to pretend I’m the first person you’ve been in love with.”

“I’m not pretending.” Magnus sits down on the couch, and Alec joins him. “Alexander, I loved those people. I did. But what I felt for them — it’s not the same. What I had with them isn’t what we have. Maybe some of that is circumstances. I’ve only ever even had the opportunity to be with two, maybe three people, including you, for more than a year or two. I’ve never had a future with most of my lovers.” He smiles. “But it’s more than that. You’re so—” Magnus reaches for Alec’s hand and brushes a kiss across his knuckles. “How can I make you believe you’re different? That you’re the first person I’ve ever loved like this?”

There’s no other word for it. Alec _swoons_. He leans into Magnus for a kiss; they break apart, and Alec says, “You just had to say it. I didn’t— I didn’t know that’s how you felt.”

“Well it is. And I’m sorry I didn’t do a good job of showing you before.”

It won’t do either of them good to circle around in endless apologies for slights perceived and real. Alec pulls Magnus into another kiss, and another, and feels a little better about leaving the future to next week, or the week after, or the month after that. Tonight they can be happy. They’ve earned that, at least.


End file.
